Grief

I need a drink of water

NO

WINE

Gotta go,Gotta go

Gone

Now listen Julie baby,
It ain’t natural for you to cry in the midnight,
It ain’t natural for you to cry
Way in the midnight come,
Until the wee small hours
Long ‘fore the break of dawn, oh Lord.
Um hmm
Ahhh

Now Julie there ain’t nothin’ on my mind
More further away than what you’re lookin’ for,
I see the way they jump at me
Lord, from behind the door, and look into my eyes,
Your little star stuck innuendows,
Inadequacies, foreign bodies.

And the sunlight shining through the crack in the window pane
Numbs my brain
And the sunlight shining through the crack in the window pane
Numbs my brain, oh Lord.

So open up the window and let me breathe,
I said, open up the window and let me breathe
I’m looking down to the street below
Lord, I cried for you, I cried, Oh, Lord.

The cool room, Lord, it a fool’s room,
The cool room, Lord, it a fool’s room,
And I can almost smell your T.B. sheets
And I can almost smell your T.B. sheets, on your sick bed.

I gotta go, I gotta,
And you said, please stay.
I want, I want a drink of water,
I want a drink of water,
Go into the kitchen and get me a drink of water,

I gotta go baby.
I send, I send, I send somebody around later,
You know we got John comin’ around here
Later with a bottle of wine for you, babe.
But I gotta go

The cool room, Lord, it a fool’s room
The cool room Lord, it a fool’s room, a fools room
And I can almost smell your T.B. sheets
I can almost smell your T.B. sheets T.B.
I gotta go. Gotta go

Send ’round, send one around later on,
Will see what I can pick up for ya, you know
I got a few things gotta do,
Don’t worry about it,
Don’t worry about it, don’t worry, ah ha gotta go go go go
I gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go,
And all right, all right,

I turned on the radio, if you wanna hear a few tunes,
I’ll turn the radio on for you, there you go there you go

You’ll be allright too
Ha ha Yeah
I know it ain’t funny, it funny at all baby
To land in the cool room man
To land in the cool room, in the cool room

Grief and Alcohol

grief[1]Losing someone you love is one of the most painful trials life can throw your way.  It’s common to experience a range of emotions, from denial and anger to sadness and despair. Each person who goes through the grieving process does it in his or her unique way. Some, however, will turn to alcohol or drugs in a desperate attempt to numb the intense pain, sadness, and grief that so often follow a major loss.  Unfortunately, for some, self-medicating emotional pain can lead to the development of a full-blown alcohol or drug addiction.

Grief’s Impact on Mental Health

eye[1]Grief can take a serious toll, even on the most resilient individuals.  During the grieving process, it’s important to experience and express emotions in order to eventually heal and get on with life.  However, some people struggle with unresolved grief — grief that lasts much longer than normal.  This type of grief makes it very hard for anyone to adequately manage life’s daily tasks.

Unresolved grief often develops when a person feels guilt over the loss, considers the death unfair, or has lost a loved one through an unexpected or violent death. Unresolved grief can also occur after a loss that others might not consider particularly traumatic, such as a miscarriage.

Sometimes individuals experiencing this type of grief act as though nothing has changed. In fact, they may refuse to talk about the death or about the person they lost. This most often occurs when there is shame or stigma connected to the death; for instance, if the loved one died because he or she was driving under the influence. Others who struggle with unresolved grief may become preoccupied with the lost loved one and have a hard time talking about anything else.

Grief can also trigger clinical depression. When this occurs, the grieving person may start to feel hopeless or helpless, experience persi-love-you-again-movie-end-title-still[1]istent fatigue, have difficulties sleeping and find it hard to concentrate.  Depression also increases the risk of suicidal thoughts or actions.  While it’s not uncommon for grief to elicit thoughts of wanting to be with the loved one who was lost, unresolved grief and depression can make suicide seem like the only way to end the unrelenting pain.

Grief and Substance Abuse

Unresolved grief and depression can make a person more vulnerable to developing a substance abuse problem. Someone unable to work through their feelings of loss in a healthy way may self-medicate, turning to alcohol or drugs.  While these substances may relieve or numb the grief-induced pain, the effect is short-lived.

shutterstock_32707246[1]Unfortunately, self-medicating with substances won’t take away the pain of loss.  In fact, alcohol and many drugs act as depressants in the body.  They may intensify negative emotions, such as sadness or shame. In addition, substance abuse complicates every aspect of life, from the ability to hold a job to the quality of relationships. Abusing alcohol or drugs creates negative emotions and conflicts that make it harder to work through grief in a healthy way.

Other risk factors can raise the chance for substance abuse during the grieving process. For example, a person with a history of anxiety, depression, previous addiction, or a lack of social support is more prone to turn to alcohol or drugs to cope after a loved one’s death. Those with a family history of alcoholism or drug addiction may be more vulnerable as well.

Grief-support[1]Reach out for grief support. In the days and weeks following a death, loved ones left behind are often inundated with support. Over time, however, that support significantly drops off, leaving a profound sense of isolation for those who are still grieving. A grief support group can provide much-needed support and resources so you no longer need to feel as though you are alone. If possible, find a group that matches your unique situation. For instance, if you’ve lost a child, seek support from those who have gone through the same experience. When a local group isn’t available, consider online support forums.

Consider family counseling. Both grief and alcohol or drug addiction impact the entire family. A death in the family often revibeginningof+love[1]ves past hurts and resentments, in addition to creating new ones.  Not only that, substance abuse and addiction can divide families and create tremendous strife. A skilled family therapist can help family members address those issues and teach constructive ways to handle conflict.

Substance abuse does not provide a healthy escape from feelings of grief and loss. If you are grieving a loss and struggling with substance abuse or addiction, professional treatment will help both.  Contact an alcohol or drug addiction treatment center to start putting the pieces of your life back together, so you can find the joy and hope you deserve.

Source : http://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/featured/grief-and-substance-abuse-coping-after-a-loss/

64 Things

64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief

Posted by on Oct 7, 2013 in 64 Things, Blog, Grief Makes You Crazy | 244 Comments

64 things i wish 2

We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on.  But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in.  We think back to the basics.  Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.  So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief, before we knew anything about grief.  If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on twitter or facebook.  If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.

I wish someone had told me . . .

  1. No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
  2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
  3. “Stop avoiding and be present”.
  4. “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.
  5. A hospital death is not always a bad death.
  6. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.
  7. “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.
  8. “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”
  9. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
  10. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
  11. When people offer support, take them up on it.
  12. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
  13. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
  14. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
  15. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
  16. There is no such thing as closure.
  17. There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.
  18. “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.
  19. Guilt is a normal part of grief.
  20. Anger is normal part of grief.
  21. “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.
  22. Grief can make you question your faith.
  23. Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.
  24. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
  25. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.
  26. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
  27.  “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.
  28.  You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
  29. “You should go somewhere to debrief after care giving”.
  30.  “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.
  31. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.
  32. “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.
  33.  “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.
  34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
  35. Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
  36. “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
  37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
  38. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.
  39. “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.
  40. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
  41. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
  42. “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.
  43. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).
  44. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.
  45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
  46. “People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.
  47. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
  48. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
  49. “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.
  50. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
  51. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.
  52. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.
  53. Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.
  54. It is okay to cry sometimes.
  55. It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.
  56. “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.
  57. “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
  58. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.
  59. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
  60. Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.
  61. You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.
  62. Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.
  63. You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.
  64. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these thing will diminish your love for the person you lost.

What do you wish someone had told you about grief that we left off the list??  Leave a comment to keep the list going.

Stop all the clocks,cut off the telefone

  A poem by W.H . Auden

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden has written an unusual response to death in “Stop All the Clocks, Cut Off the Telephone.” The title itself demands that seemingly unreasonable actions be carried out. Why should all the clocks be stopped? Why should the telephone be cut off? The normal events of daily life, such as clocks ticking, telephones ringing, dogs barking, and pianos playing are for some reason not allowed. We do not yet know what this reason is. The imperative verbs in the first three lines of the first stanza are all controlling, forbidding words: ‘stop,’ ‘prevent,’ and ‘silence.’ Only with the first mention of death do the verbs become permitting: ‘bring,’ ‘let,’ ‘put,’ and yet another ‘let.’ A coffin and mourners are both allowed to be present. In fact, the more public happenings that do not ordinarily have anything to do with death must be made undeniably representative of it.

Aeroplanes can make “moaning” noises as they fly, “public doves” must wear black bows as they take wing. Policemen are allowed to “wear black cotton gloves” as they direct traffic.

The less stern, more lenient verbs present with the mention of death suggest that a choice is possible. By giving the normally life-affirming entities a choice to represent death, the speaker is implying that they, or, in the case of the aeroplanes and doves, those who may manipulate them, would do so in the favor of death without a second thought. If they do not choose to, however, they are allowed this breach of expected conduct – it seems as if the speaker does not truly care either way. With a limp, shooing hand movement, the speaker implies that whatever happens to transform itself to represent death can or not; it is in his mind as changed already. Only the normal, private activities of life must be repressed, as the speaker’s grief has presumably interrupted the normalcy of his own life.

 

Calling the deceased man “my North, my South, my East and West” in line 9 implies he was the speaker’s compass; perhaps the speaker’s moral compass, or reason for traveling in any direction with his life. This brings up the question of the speaker’s relationship to the dead man: friend, relative, lover? Whichever the connection, the reader can assume the speaker loved the man dearly. Declaring the dead man “my working week and my Sunday rest” suggests that the latter was the speaker’s entire life, since work and ‘Sunday rest,’ or relaxation/time spent not working, usually comprise the overarching categories of adult life. The following concepts the speaker insists the man embodies, his ‘noon,’ ‘midnight,’ ‘talk,’ and ‘song,’ fall into the more complex realms within ‘rest.’ ‘Noon’ could stand for the playful heat and relaxation commonly associated with noon; ‘midnight’ a solemn, mysterious, bewitched time – the parts of a human relationship that are mysterious and never truly understood. ‘Talk’ implies discussion of serious subjects, whereas ‘song’ suggests merriment and fun. The four terms cover a complex and diverse swathe of human life, suggesting that the dead man was a large part of the speaker’s life.

 

In the last line of the third stanza, the speaker says that he was wrong in thinking “that love would last for ever”. This brings up the possibility that the poem is not about death at all. The speaker could be suggesting that death has ended the love between himself and the man, but could also be insinuating that the entire poem is an exaggerated outpouring of emotions loosed by the end of a relationship.

 

In the last stanza, the heavenly bodies that create noon and midnight are ordered to be destroyed, with the harsh finality of the imperatives in the first three lines of the poem. The most constant bodies that have been around since the birth of man and helped sustain him, as the speaker must feel the ‘deceased’ man has been, must be disposed of. The speaker’s audience is ordered to “pack up the moon,” “dismantle the sun,” “pour away the ocean,” and “sweep up the wood.” In this case, ‘wood’ might stand for the trees of forests, which create oxygen, equally as essential for human survival as the light of the sun and water, and as the speaker feels the dead man was to his continued existence. Even the stars, the last glimmers of hope lighting up the dark, unfathomable sky of human life, must be “put out.”

 

The last line, a depressing assertion that “nothing now can ever come to any good,” reaffirms the possibility that the poem may be about an ended relationship. With a true removed from the speaker’s life in some way, but still alive, he may feel that his life is hopeless until the man is persuaded to enter the relationship again with the speaker. With a true love dead, the man may feel that any chance for happiness and genuine connection with another in his life is dashed for good. Every time he attempts to engage in the daily activities that form the backbone of his life, he will be alone, his true love destroyed like the poem demands of the ocean and stars, and feel hopeless. Auden has taken the universal, inarticulate despair everyone feels when somehow losing a loved one, and successfully articulated it.

The Difficulty of Acceptance

More Tears than Beers

Belief in an interventionist deity demands acceptance  that events occur for which there is no naturalistic explanation.

Not real – Surreal – IrrealSurreal-Digital-Art-3887[1]

dif·fi·cul·ty

[dif-i-kuhl-tee, -kuhl-tee]  

noun, plural dif·fi·cul·ties.

1.the fact or condition of being difficult.
2.Often, difficul·ties. an embarrassing situation, especially of financial affairs.
3.a trouble or struggle.
4.a cause of trouble, struggle, or embarrassment.
5.a disagreement or dispute.

Shakes – Internal – External

Wearyness

Sun Shining Outside, Dark Inside

Lie down and rest…………………………………………

Wearyness

grief

 [greef] 

noun

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2.a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

Idioms

3.come to grief, to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail: Their marriage came togrief after only two years.
4.good grief, (used as an exclamation of dismay, surprise, or relief): Good grief, it’s started to rain again!
Origin: 
1175–1225; Middle English gref, grief  < Anglo-French gref;  see grieve

Wierdness

Weird

 [weerd] 

adjective, weird·er, weird·est.

1.involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny: a weird soundweird lights.
2.fantastic; bizarre: a weird getup.
3.Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.
noun Chiefly Scot.

4.fate; destiny.
5.fate  def 6 .

Not real – Surreal – Irreal

Wake Up

Postponement

Uncertainy

Unknown

Alastair-Magnaldo_6_567_582[1]

 

 

sur·re·al

 [suhreeuhl, –reel] 

adjective

1.of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealisman artistic and literary style; surrealistic.
2.having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dreamunreal; fantastic: surreal complexities of thebureaucracy.

 

ir·re·al

 [ih-reeuhl, ih-reel]  

adjective unreal.

 

Sometimes we cry

Sometimes , not always, once in a while

Sometimes We Cry” is a song written by Northern Irish singer-songwriter Van Morrison and included on his 1997 album, The Healing Game. This version features the backing vocals of Brian Kennedy and Georgie Fame.

It has often been performed as a duet and a version with Morrison and Tom Jones was included on Jones’ Reloadalbum that was released in 1999 and charted at #1 on the U.K. charts in both 1999 and 2000.

Van Morrison’s daughter Shana Morrison has often performed this as a duet with her father when she makes appearances at his concerts and also released it on her 1999 album, 7 Wishes. On this album version, her father joins in at the end of the song with his harmonica playing and vocals on the last verse. Shana said in an interview that she was surprised that her father agreed to over-dub his harmonica solo on the previously recorded studio song:

He usually does things live in one take and is opposed to any over-dubbing. It just came about all of a sudden. I asked him to do it, and he said yes. Maybe he was in a good mood that day.