Love after bereavement

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, psychotherapist

 Grief is a deeply personal process. But eventually, we’re quite likely to consider the possibility of romance again. Our experts explain why this isn’t always easy.

Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to face in life. But eventually, once we’re ready, it’s highly likely we’ll consider the possibility of finding love again. And this can happen at any age.

In our own practice we have known men and women form new relationships well into their eighties.

A ‘new relationship’ doesn’t necessarily mean marriage, since quite a lot of widowed people now opt for ‘living together’, or just sleeping together, or even just dating.

Grief and romance

Although it can be exciting to find love again, thoughts of the dead partner can cast a shadow over any new romance.

Sometimes people feel guilty about wanting company and physical love.

Often they have all sorts of other unresolved emotions about the death of the partner, and the more they try to ignore them, the more they tend to surface.

Such emotions are often about loss. But they might be about anger that the person has gone, or about resentment that other people are still a couple and can look forward to an old age together.

Sometimes feelings revolve round sad or even horrible images of the last days or weeks of a partner’s life. And the surviving spouse may well feel that he or she was not always patient or very loving when the other person was dying.

All of these emotions are quite normal to have, but that does not make them easy to deal with.

Stages of grief

There are generally reckoned to be about seven stages of grief:

• shock, disbelief, numbness
• denial
• panic
• anger
• guilt
• depression
• acceptance.

Most grieving people experience at least some of these stages, but there is no set order or time limit for these feelings.

It’s not unusual to feel as if you’ve experienced several elements of these stages on one day alone. For this reason, do use these stages as a rough guide to help you to understand sudden difficult emotions such as anger.

For this reason, do use these stages as a rough guide to help you to understand sudden difficult emotions such as anger.

Recognise too that these emotions are part of a process, and that most other people also feel them.

When should you be ready to start a new relationship?

You may find your grieving process doesn’t coincide with other people’s ideas of how it should be.

Sometimes friends or family will get impatient if you’re not ‘over it’ after six months.

At other times, you can get a strong sense that some individuals think you are hard-hearted because you appear to have got over the death quickly.

We all find our own way of dealing with death. None of us should judge anyone else about how they are coping.

But when it comes to new relationships, people are often quick to disapprove if a new romance blossoms ‘too soon’.

Recent research among the over-65s has shown that 18 months after the death of a spouse, 15 per cent of widows and 37 per cent of widowers have become interested in dating.

When is too soon?

If your partner was dying for a long time, the chances are that you did loads of grieving before he or she actually stopped breathing.

You are then more likely to feel ready for a new life than someone whose spouse died suddenly would be.

In cases of lengthy terminal illness, it’s not unusual for a new relationship to blossom even before the partner dies. And although this new relationship can be a great comfort, it can also be the source of deep guilt.

But there are no absolutes when it comes to people’s feelings. And no two individuals are the same.

In general, society still doesn’t tend to condone new relationships that ‘go public’ before an interval of around one year. But there are exceptions to this rule – particularly in cases where it was widely known that the marriage wasn’t very happy.

Certainly, new romances won’t go well if a grieving person is avoiding the pain of bereavement by immediately replacing one partner with another. Recovering from a loved-one’s death is just not that easy.

Coping with other people’s reactions

You have to remember that no-one knows exactly what you’re suffering. And no one knows for sure what went on in your relationship with your dead partner.

So, in an ideal world, other people should resist commenting on any new romance you have. However, in reality, most friends and family will have a view on it.

Hopefully, many will be pleased that you have found happiness again. But there may be jealousy from other friends who have been on their own for longer.

In-laws

Unfortunately, you may find your dead partner’s family cannot come to terms with a new relationship even if years have gone by. This is because they feel their relative is being forgotten.

If that happens, try to discuss with them just how much your late partner will always be in your mind. You might also gently suggest that he or she would not want you to grieve forever.

In time, they may come round to the idea, but it is a situation that requires kindness and tact on both sides.

And while it’s easy to see any criticism by your in-laws as an unnecessary obstacle to your new life, try to remember that they too have had to deal with the loss of your partner.

And, hard though it is, never forget that your in-laws are your children’s grandparents or aunts and uncles. As such, it will be painful all round if you fall out with them in a big way.

Sons and daughters

You may also have serious difficulties with your own sons and daughters.

If your children are still living at home, they will be affected by any new relationship. And they may be quite hostile because they think that Mum or Dad is being airbrushed out of history.

It can be very difficult to deal with this kind of upset because your children may still be deeply upset by their loss.

In such a situation, it’s wise not to be blatant about your new love until your children are more ready to accept the idea. So don’t allow your lover to stay overnight before your children have come to terms with your new romantic happiness.

If your children have left home, you won’t have quite the same problems.

But even if their father or mother died several years ago, your adult offspring may react negatively when you tell them you’ve found love again.

And if you usually stay over when you visit, be sensitive to the fact they might feel awkward if you want your new partner to accompany you – especially if you’re asking to share a bed.

This is a highly inflammatory situation for families to deal with, and the best advice anyone can give you is: take your time.

Sex in your new relationship

After a bereavement, many people decide they will never have a sexual relationship again. This is particularly likely when the death happens late in life.

But a lot of men and women find their sexual urges return after a while.

Unfortunately, this can lead to intense feelings of guilt, mainly caused by a feeling that they are being unfaithful to the dead partner.

Post-bereavement sexual guilt manifests itself in three main ways.

• Worries about masturbation. After a few months on their own, quite a lot of older men and women experience sexual feelings, often accompanied by a desire to masturbate. This need for relief is largely physiological: it is caused by the normal workings of the body and its hormones. It isn’t something anyone should be ashamed about.
• Difficulties with erection. Many widowed men experience erectile dysfunction (impotence) when they try to have sex with someone else. Counselling of the couple is usually effective. Sometimes it’s useful to give the man a short course of erection medicines, such as Viagra or Levitra, to build confidence.
• Vaginal dryness. When a woman decides to resume sex, she often finds she can’t relax. As a result, her natural lubricant doesn’t flow, making sex uncomfortable. Counselling by an experienced family planning doctor or a gynaecologist will often put matters right. Also, the use of a good vaginal lubricant will help. A course of vaginal hormone cream or pessaries may benefit post-menopausal women.

What happens if your new relationship fails?

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a new relationship to fail because of guilt or because you are not emotionally ready to move on.

Sometimes your new partner may walk away because he or she considers you too needy or too emotionally involved with your dead partner.

Whatever the reason for the break-up, it will probably hit you hard – and may resurrect all sorts of pain related to the death of your spouse.

If this happens, try to realise that this particular romance was not your only chance of happiness. It’s likely you weren’t really ready for a new relationship and you may need to spend more time grieving for your dead partner and building up your own strength and happiness.

It’s likely you weren’t really ready for a new relationship and you may need to spend time grieving for your dead partner and building up your own strength and happiness.

Spend time being single again, catch up with friends and maybe get some help for your sadness.

You will probably find that after a period of several months – or even a year or two – you are more ready for a social life, including romance.

Read more: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelationships/bereavement.htm#ixzz31unDVvxr
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Grief and Alcohol

Losing someone you love is one of the most painful trials life can throw your way.  It’s common to experience a range of emotions, from denial and anger to sadness and despair. Each person who goes through the grieving process does it in his or her unique way. Some, however, will turn to alcohol or drugs in a desperate attempt to numb the intense pain, sadness, and grief that so often follow a major loss.  Unfortunately, for some, self-medicating emotional pain can lead to the development of a full-blown alcohol or drug addiction.

Grief’s Impact on Mental Health

Grief can take a serious toll, even on the most resilient individuals.  During the grieving process, it’s important to experience and express emotions in order to eventually heal and get on with life.  However, some people struggle with unresolved grief — grief that lasts much longer than normal.  This type of grief makes it very hard for anyone to adequately manage life’s daily tasks.

Unresolved grief often develops when a person feels guilt over the loss, considers the death unfair, or has lost a loved one through an unexpected or violent death. Unresolved grief can also occur after a loss that others might not consider particularly traumatic, such as a miscarriage.

Sometimes individuals experiencing this type of grief act as though nothing has changed. In fact, they may refuse to talk about the death or about the person they lost. This most often occurs when there is shame or stigma connected to the death; for instance, if the loved one died because he or she was driving under the influence. Others who struggle with unresolved grief may become preoccupied with the lost loved one and have a hard time talking about anything else.

Grief can also trigger clinical depression. When this occurs, the grieving person may start to feel hopeless or helpless, experience persistent fatigue, have difficulties sleeping and find it hard to concentrate.  Depression also increases the risk of suicidal thoughts or actions.  While it’s not uncommon for grief to elicit thoughts of wanting to be with the loved one who was lost, unresolved grief and depression can make suicide seem like the only way to end the unrelenting pain.

Grief and Substance Abuse

Unresolved grief and depression can make a person more vulnerable to developing a substance abuse problem. Someone unable to work through their feelings of loss in a healthy way may self-medicate, turning to alcohol or drugs.  While these substances may relieve or numb the grief-induced pain, the effect is short-lived.

Unfortunately, self-medicating with substances won’t take away the pain of loss.  In fact, alcohol and many drugs act as depressants in the body.  They may intensify negative emotions, such as sadness or shame. In addition, substance abuse complicates every aspect of life, from the ability to hold a job to the quality of relationships. Abusing alcohol or drugs creates negative emotions and conflicts that make it harder to work through grief in a healthy way.

Other risk factors can raise the chance for substance abuse during the grieving process. For example, a person with a history of anxiety, depression, previous addiction, or a lack of social support is more prone to turn to alcohol or drugs to cope after a loved one’s death. Those with a family history of alcoholism or drug addiction may be more vulnerable as well.

Reach out for grief support. In the days and weeks following a death, loved ones left behind are often inundated with support. Over time, however, that support significantly drops off, leaving a profound sense of isolation for those who are still grieving. A grief support group can provide much-needed support and resources so you no longer need to feel as though you are alone. If possible, find a group that matches your unique situation. For instance, if you’ve lost a child, seek support from those who have gone through the same experience. When a local group isn’t available, consider online support forums.

Consider family counseling. Both grief and alcohol or drug addiction impact the entire family. A death in the family often revives past hurts and resentments, in addition to creating new ones.  Not only that, substance abuse and addiction can divide families and create tremendous strife. A skilled family therapist can help family members address those issues and teach constructive ways to handle conflict.

Substance abuse does not provide a healthy escape from feelings of grief and loss. If you are grieving a loss and struggling with substance abuse or addiction, professional treatment will help both.  Contact an alcohol or drug addiction treatment center to start putting the pieces of your life back together, so you can find the joy and hope you deserve.

Source : http://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/featured/grief-and-substance-abuse-coping-after-a-loss/